Recent content by Old Goat

Ohm Lord, bless our wet wicks, steady our mixing hands, and deliver us from the most expensive sentence in the workshop: “I’ll remember what’s in that.” Congregation, no you bloody won’t. You went into the kitchen for scissors yesterday and returned with cheese. Let us be realistic about the...

IX. The Price of a Crown The following afternoon, Thaddeus summoned a goldsmith. Not the Church's official jeweller. Not the man responsible for maintaining his ceremonial crowns. An ordinary craftsman. Thaddeus presented him with a small, battered crown. It was not the magnificent Crown of...

Chapter Six: The Miracle That Never Was Being an Account of a Dying Man, an Unfinished Ship, a Rather Disappointing Miracle, and the First Occasion on Which the High Priest Was Told to Shut Up and Actually Did. I. An Excellent Opportunity for a Miracle The Department of Miraculous Affairs was...

There’s a particular betrayal involved in taking a perfectly ordinary puff and discovering your juice has been replaced by Satan’s toasted underpants. The pod ran low. You didn’t notice. The cotton noticed. Now everybody’s having a shit morning. OXVA’s new Anti-Burn Tech—ABT— aims to interrupt...

X. The Hour of Unrestricted Inquiry The first official Hour of Unrestricted Inquiry was held the following Thursday. The Church expected modest attendance. Perhaps a dozen scholars. A few junior priests. Possibly one or two curious members of the congregation. Instead, several hundred...

Chapter Five: The Great Heresy of Asking Why Being an Account of How the High Priest Attempted to Regulate Independent Thought, Accidentally Invented a New Branch of Philosophy, and Discovered That the Most Dangerous Question in the Universe Consisted of Three Letters. I. A Questionable...

Fair call, Pauly. That old advice was too loose. The goat left the mixing bench unsupervised. When we talk recipe percentages, we mean a percentage of the whole bottle. Taking a concentrate from 3% to 4.5% means adding another 1.5% of the finished mix. That was the intended meaning. The daft...

That’s the part I want policymakers to hear: you say you went back to cigarettes, then eventually found your own way out through DIY. The gap between those two events matters. A rule can look splendid on paper while the person it supposedly helps is standing outside with a lighter. Glad you...

No, mate—“only shake if it looks separated” is too narrow. Clear ingredients don’t give you a little flag saying everything’s mixed properly. Mix thoroughly when you make it, keep it capped, and give it a mix before filling. My point was that you don’t need a daily appointment to shake the...

X. The Most Dangerous Words in the Kingdom A few days later, Barnabus was helping a newcomer understand a problem with his equipment. The man asked a question. Barnabus thought carefully. Then said three words. "I don't know." The newcomer looked surprised. "You don't?" "No." "But you...

Chapter Four: The Infallibility of Thaddeus Being an Account of How the High Priest Declared Himself Incapable of Error, Made Correcting Mistakes a Criminal Offence, and Very Nearly Brought Down the Temple in an Attempt to Prove He Had Built It Correctly. I. A Most Offensive Correction High...

X. The Heresy of Accurate Reporting The following morning, Elric confronted Thaddeus. "Your Holiness, we need to discuss the twelfth miracle." Thaddeus smiled. "Ah, yes! The Liberation of Tobias!" "You never met him." "Not personally." "You never helped him." "Not directly." "You weren't...

Chapter Three: The Miracles of Thaddeus Being an Account of Several Divine Interventions, a Suspiciously Cooperative Goat, and the Discovery That a Miracle Is Considerably Easier to Perform When One Controls the Witnesses. I. The Unfortunate Absence of Divine Intervention High Priest Thaddeus...

If it wasn’t for the COVID ban, I probably would never have started mixing my own juice. There you go. My little contribution to the government’s unintended consequences department. I doubt “teach this grumpy bastard to make e-liquid” was written anywhere in the plan. But that’s what happened...

If you smoke, I want you to have a way out. If you’ve never smoked, I’m not looking to sign you up for a nicotine subscription. Apparently, that distinction needs explaining again. Selena Gomez has been talking about her experience with vaping. According to People’s report of her Instagram...