Sipping scotch

Pauly Walnuts

Pauly Walnuts

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Staff member
I was 15 years old, and we were all kinda nerds, so we got picked on, and often times kids in the hood threw eggs at the house. Watching tv (Some reading books) we heard a whack at the porch door. My pa leapt up, opened the door hoping to catch the little snotty, and seeing no one, went out to see where the egg landed.

Seeing nothing, he turned around to go back in, and saw a bat on the ground in front of the door. He picked it up to show us kids and my ma freaked out! “Gene, you throw that outside now! You know it could be rabid!”

Dad puts it up to his cheek, rubs it, couple kisses… Ma gets outta her chair stomping towards him. Pa, 5’9" ma, 4’ll", my dad KNEW she’d kick his ass, threw it in the yard…

Later that night, ma put some shaving cream around his mouth. Wakes, me, begs me to follow, shows me pa, hands me the shot gun and says, “Remember Old Yeller the other nigh? You know what you have to do!”

Man, can you believe that shit? I mean seriously?

Well, that killed a couple hours! I don’t write. I re-write. Proof read, re-write, proof again, click reply proof again and edit.
 
Tell 'ya why I’ll never have any more kids.

Used to own a small trucking company. Me and my cargo van. Parked it in a K-mart parking lot, early 60’s?

FINALLY got a job. Went to the truck, washed and waxed her… opened the back, bunch of garbage laying around. Blankets, potato chips, used condoms… I don’t recall the phrase WTF being said back then, but rest assured I said it!

Went into K-mart, bought a broom, pushed all the shit out onto the lot, returned the broom for the money and went my merry way.

Few days later, a new customer. Washed and waxed, opened the back, same shit all over the place. Since someone had cleaned my mess from the last time, I went back and bought the same broom (was filthy) made a new pile for the lot, got my money back and went on my way.

Very next day, new customer. By George, I might be able to buy a padlock soon. Go to the truck, just needs a good washing and I hear someone moaning and giggling. I’m thinking, “HA! gotcha bitch.” Some ho’ thinks she gonna make money off me without fair compensation? I’m getting laid for free!

Threw the door open and there’s 4 dudes! Slammed the door shut, threw the latch down, hopped in and began driving just a “little” erratically. Stomp on the gas, then the breaks, sharp turns left and right, on and on. I can hear them banging against the sides and shit. I’m having a gay old time. (Notice the pun?)

Finally I stop, throw open the back and 3 out of 4 are sprinting while trying to put their pants on. One is still struggling to get up. I get in, I’m thinking on killing him. Says, “Wait, wait! Before you do anything rash, hear me out! I average 20 pops a night at $5.00 each! For every 5, I’ll give you $2.50!” I’m no dummy. $100.00 a night? I said, “make it $3.00 and you gotta deal.”

Then I thought, “Shit, I’m in the wrong business.” Then I thought about making him teach ME!" I mean that’s serious cash, back then. Then he offered to shake on the agreement and changed my mind.

I was still making more off of that “thing” per week than making runs.

Grand Rapids, Michigan. The winter wonderland of -20 degrees in the afternoon sun. Went to collect at our usual time, and he only had $18.00 for me! I was averaging close to $80.00/week! WTF, dude? Whines that It’s too cold!

Said his guys won’t come to a Hotel, they’re afraid of the police!

Offers to pay for the gas to run the heater in the cargo. Diesel dumb-ass! Costs more, but I agree. No sweat off my back. Next morning I go to make a run and my trucks gone! Few days later the cops found it in a chop shop in Kalamazoo!

Seriously? After I treated you like a son?
 
MisterSadister said:
Normally, admins don't swear on their forums.
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I know. They're all a bunch of fucking pussy's.

Actually, check our rules and regulations. You'll be surprised by what you can get away with here. And things that simply WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!

I don't mean to say prudes are unwelcome, but if they're uncomfortable with the VERY occasional, and mild cuss word here and there, they probably won't stick around.

How-some-ever, that'd be a shame, because this is a wonderful community wherein folks will learn a LOT. And we hope they'll help, teach and share. We LIKE "silly" questions because we like to teach. We're passionate about teaching, the vaping community in general and the comradery.

Besides, at my age I can do whatever the hell I want. It is PERFECTLY acceptable to say hell and damn. My Priest was constantly damning me to hell.

Maybe 8 to 10 years old, helping my big brother build one of those newfangled dragsters, I learned some new words. I was in the basement building a plastic model and got pissed off at it and threw it across the room and yelled, "fucking piece of shit!" Seems my ma was in another part of the basement talking on the phone.

She came in screaming! Soap tastes terrible!
 
Couple blonds and I were in the woods, hunting deer. One of the blonds says she has to take a shit. I said, go behind one of those big trees.

She said she didn't have anything to wipe her ass with. I asked if she had a dollar. She said, "Yes! That's a great idea." A few minutes later she came out with shit all over her hands and clothes.

I asked what happened?

She asked if I'd ever tried wiping my ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle?
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
Couple blonds and I were in the woods, hunting deer. One of the blonds says she has to take a shit. I said, go behind one of those big trees.

She said she didn't have anything to wipe her ass with. I asked if she had a dollar. She said, "Yes! That's a great idea." A few minutes later she came out with shit all over her hands and clothes.

I asked what happened?

She asked if I'd ever tried wiping my ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle?
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Oh lord above, that’s rotten 😂 I nearly spat my tea reading the end of it. Only a blond would think coins were a handy substitute for toilet roll. And here I was thinking the worst thing I ever used out camping was an old sock… at least that didn’t leave Queen Elizabeth stamped across me backside!

Note to self: always pack tissues. Or bring the dog — they never seem to mind finding “creative solutions” in the woods. 😉
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
Old Goat said:
fucking mouth of yours?
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You're pretty new to this world aren't you?

You can't fuck with your mouth! You can suck with it...
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Well now, speak for yourself, Pauly love… with the right imagination and a good single malt in hand, there’s a fair few things you can do with your mouth. 😉

Besides, anyone who thinks scotch is just for sipping hasn’t spent a night in Dublin trying to keep up with my lot.
 
MisterSadister said:
I got kicked off another forum for swearing
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Their loss, our gain. We're all here to love learn and laugh!

Or in the words of my generation... Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll!

If someone tells you they were at Woodstock, they're probably lying. If someone says, they don't remember, they probably had one hell of a good time!
 
Hellena said:
Or bring the dog — they never seem to mind finding “creative solutions” in the woods.
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You have a point there. Ours think the litter box is full of treats.

I'll stay away from that... I'm afraid I'll get turned on! :?
 
Hellena said:
scotch is just for sipping
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Sure, you can just swim on over to Scotland and get the stuff cheap.

You want some of that 18-year-old stuff, it'll cost you 111 pounds, here. $150.00.
 
At my age, I’ve got to stop asking, “How stupid can you be?” Too many people are taking it as a challenge!
 
My youngest son Robert and I were in Yellow Stone National Park. At the time, we’d camped in over half the states of the US, but Yellowstone was our favorite, and we had been there many a time.

Once upon a year, we went very early spring. Snow up into the mountains was 15’! We were from Michigan so we were familiar with cold, snow and snow shoes. We’re talking at the top of mountains at Eagle Peak is 11,000'. 4,000 Km. tall. No, you can’t climb that high at that time of year. The snow up there was likely 50' deep. You can watch Mountain goats scale the lower part of the mountains. Freaking incredible watching these critters scaling the terrain!

Bob was maybe early 20’s? Told him to go find some firewood. Comes back saying, “Dad, look at this huge mushroom I found. “

Me: I’m not so sure that’s a mushroom.

Him: Whataya mean?

Me: Looks like a buffalo chip to me.

Him: what’s that?

Me: See those clumps of hair, about 8’ up that pine tree?

Him: Yeah, so?

Me: That’s from buffalo scratching themselves against the tree’s trunk.

Him: So?

Me: Buffalo eat grass and shrubs and shit.

Him: So?

Me: What comes out of the hind most end of that beast?

Him: Are you saying this is shit?

Me: Yep!

Him: Asshole!

Then tossed it. Landed in the fire!

Him: Shit! Now what do we do?

Me: Let it burn. Cowboys did it all the time.

Next morning it’s still red hot. We’re ready to do some hiking and he pours water on the shit. Me: Okay, I don’t know if that’s gonna stink, and I’m not finding out. YOU’RE dragging everything to another site DOWNWIND of that shit!

Him: What’s downwind?

Christ… "Have I taught you nothing? Figure it out!" Then starts dragging the tent downwind. Like he thought I was going to do anything, 'cuz he feigned ignorance.

Later that day, we’re hiking alongside a wide, shallow, slow-moving river, sweeping the area with my binoculars when I see a huge moose on the other side. We slowly advanced and started taking pictures and recording. Kid says, “Dad, it’s like she’s looking right at us.”

Me: Actually, I think she’s looking behind us. We slowly turned around and discovered a calf.

Both: Oh, shit! We turn back and mom’s slowly advancing toward US, this time. Another “Shit!” And we’re off! Dropped my brand new – new fangeld video camera. Never did dare go back to look for it. Too damn scared!
 
Admin said:
MisterSadister said:
I got kicked off another forum for swearing
Click to expand...
Their loss, our gain. We're all here to love learn and laugh!

Or in the words of my generation... Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll!

If someone tells you they were at Woodstock, they're probably lying. If someone says, they don't remember, they probably had one hell of a good time!
Click to expand...

I don't get it
 
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