What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Old Goat

Old Goat

Administrator
Thought I’d share a cautionary tale…

Doc tells this guy that if he takes care of business before the main event, he might last longer in the sack. Guy figures, “Why not?”

Problem is — where to do the deed? Office? Too risky. Public restroom? Nah. Alley? Might get mugged and arrested.

So genius strikes — he pulls his truck over on the side of the highway, crawls under like he's checking something mechanical, and gets to work.

Just as he's reaching peak RPMs, he feels a tug on his pant leg.

Keeps his eyes closed and mutters, “What is it?”

A voice replies, “This is the police. What exactly are you doing down there?”

Without missing a beat, the guy says, “Just checking the rear axle, officer. Think it’s busted.”

Cop replies, “Well, you might want to check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”
 
Been a while since I talked about my little buddy Little Johnny.

One day, he's walking down my rural street. He passes me sipping scotch and smoking a Swisher Sweet on my porch.

I saw Little Johnny carrying what looked like chicken wire, so I asked him, "Whatcha got there young man?"

Little Johnny: Chicken wire!

Me: Whatcha gonna do with it?

Little Johnny: I'm gonna catch me some chickens!

Me: You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!

Later that evening, well into my bottle of 18-year-old single malt scotch, I see Little Johnny with a bunch of chickens following him.

Next morning I saw Little Johnny carrying a roll of duct tape, so I asked him, "Watcha got there, young man?"

Little Johnny: Duct tape!

Me: Whatcha gonna do with it?

Little Johnny: I'm gonna catch me some ducks!

Me: You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape.

Later that evening, almost done with my bottle of 20-year-old single malt scotch, I see Little Johnny with a bunch of ducks following him.

Next morning I saw Little Johnny carrying a bunch of pussy willows, so I asked him, "Watcha got there, young man?"

Little Johnny: Pussy willows!

Me: Slurring my words 'cuz I'm on my second bottle, I said, "Hang on, while I put my boots and hat on!"
 
No offense to any pretty young blonds, but you know you're not getting away unscathed.

Little Suzy, a seriously young hot blond, can't find a job, so she heads to the nearest wealthy neighborhood knocking on doors, looking for any work she can get.

First door, no one home. Next door, no work. Third house, I'm sitting on the porch, I've only drank a half bottle of scotch which aint shit to me. She asks me if I had any odd jobs.

I told her the porch needed a couple coats of paint, and asked what she'd charge. She told me $50. I'm thinking, she's a pure bred blond. I bet the carpet matches the curtains. I told her everything was in the garage and she thanked me profusely.
Couple hours later, she knocked on the door to tell she was done. I was surprised as the porch wrapped around the entire house. By then I had a good buzz on and didn't look at the porch. I handed her $50 and she said, "Oh, by the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari.
 
I should start a topic for blond jokes. I gotta million and I'll be here all week.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The pub instantly becomes quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in Judo. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. Think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it four times."
 
All rights to this one go to Jon Lovitz

There are 6 older Jewish ladies at a ridiculously high priced, highfalutin restaurant…

They have just been served the main course…

They’re about a 1/4 of the way through the course…

The waiter stops at the table and says…

“Well, ladies… is anything alright?!?”
 
A nun scrambles out of bed, realizing she has terribly overslept, hurries to dress herself, scurries to the corridor, and makes her way to see Mother Superior, with whom she has an appointment.

She passes another Sister who says, “Oh dear! You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

She gets the same exact greeting from at least 10 other Sisters, as she is practically running down the corridor to her meeting.

Livid from all the other Sister’s remarks and breathless from the hurried trip down the corridor, she enters Mother Superior’s chambers.

Mother Superior stands there, silently, looking the Sister up and down, breathes a long sigh, and curiously shakes her head. Just as Mother Superior is about to speak, the Sister reacts by practically shouting, “Don’t YOU tell me I look like I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

Mother Superior says, “No. That wasn’t what I was going to say. I was just going to ask… Why are you wearing the Bishop’s shoes?”
 
Mike Dearborn said:
is anything alright?!?
Click to expand...
Don't get it... Is ANYTHING alright as apposed to everything alright? Like the waiter was expecting the meal to suck?

That'd not explain the presence of Jewish woman.
 
I was at the hardware store looking for an inverted Phillips bit. Man says, what the hell it that?

I told him it looks like a phillips screw, but it's not a screw. It has the bit that goes into the chock of a drill.

Tells me there is no such thing.

Told him there most certainly is and politely asked him to find someone that knows his ass from a hole in the ground.

Yells, at me. Man, you don't know Jack Shit!

I asked him how he spells shit.

SHIT! What other way is it spelled?

Hmmm. It appears YOU are the one who doesn't know Jack Schitt. It's spelled SCHITT.

I met his whole family! They live in the foot hills of the Smokey Mountains to the east of Knoxville Tennessee.

You see, Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth.

Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt;

Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt;

And another son, Bull Schitt,

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt,

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers,

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Holy Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schitt

and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now my friends you can proudly proclaim,

“I know the true story of Jack Schitt!”

Now the Schitt family might sound a little humorous to a few of you but I have maintained this information in my files for historical purposes.

The fact that my wife sometimes calls me “Full-of Schitt” goes to show you that she doesn’t know what she talking about.

I went back a few days later to prove he does not in fact know Jack Schitt.
I8ZI2.jpg
Now, what the fuck is it used for? And don't GOOGLE shit!
 
Couple blonds live in the hills in Tennessee and want to learn to hunt and asks a hillbilly neighbor to teach them.

So, he takes them out into the woods, their being very quiet, hopes are high... Then one of the blonds whispers very quietly, "I've gotta take a wicked shit!"

Their guide tells her to go behind the bushes and take care of business. She complains that she has no toilet paper. Man asker if she had a dollar. "Hey, that's a great idea!" Guy tells her to keep her voice down.

So she goes behind a bush, she's there for several minutes and comes back with shit all over her hands, forearms and brand new camouflage jacket.

Her friend asked her what the hell happened? She replied, have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"
 
A blonde is pulled over by a couple of highway patrolmen, one a seasoned veteran and the other a wet-behind-the-ears rookie. After checking the blondes license and going thru the normal routine, the older officer tells the younger "When you give her back her licence, unzip you pants, and pull out your pecker." Shocked, the younger argues momentarily but is eventually persuaded. So, he goes back hands the young lady her license, unzips and reveals his manhood. The blonde says:
"Oh shit, not another breathalyzer!"
 
A blonde and brunette in an elevator. A man walks in with really bad dandruff. The brunette whispers "Someone should give him some Head and Shoulders". The blonde replies "How do you give shoulders?"
 
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny.

“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

“Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny, and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother shit in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there.

So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad fucking his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny.

“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

“Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny, and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother shit in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there.

So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad fucking his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
Click to expand...

Fucking hell. I spat my coffee all over my laptop when I got to the end of this.
 
Old Goat said:
I spat my coffee all over my laptop when I got to the end of this
Click to expand...
Why did you quote the whole thing? You need only highlight the part you want and click "Quote". You can blame me for that option.
 
A blonde is pulled over by a couple of highway patrolmen, one a seasoned veteran and the other a wet-behind-the-ears rookie. After checking the blondes license and going thru the normal routine, the older officer tells the younger “When you give her back her licence, unzip you pants, and pull out your pecker.” Shocked, the younger argues momentarily but is eventually persuaded. So, he goes back hands the young lady her license, unzips and reveals his manhood. The blonde says:
“Oh shit, not another breathalyzer!”
 
[/quote]
Why did you quote the whole thing? You need only highlight the part you want and click "Quote". You can blame me for that option.
[/quote]

My keyboard was wet and sticky.
 
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