The stories of an old mans life.

Pauly Walnuts

Pauly Walnuts

Administrator
Staff member
First story:

I was 15 years old, just before I ran away from the woman I called my egg donor. We were all kinda nerds, so we got picked on, and often times kids in the hood threw eggs at the house. Watching tv (Some reading books) we heard a whack at the porch door. My pa leapt up, opened the door hoping to catch the little snotty, and seeing no one, went out to see where the egg landed.

Seeing nothing, he turned around to go back in, and saw a bat on the ground in front of the door. He picked it up to show us kids and my ma freaked out! “Gene, you throw that outside now! You know it could be rabid!”

Dad puts it up to his cheek, rubs it, couple kisses… Ma gets outta her chair stomping towards him. Pa, 5’9" ma, 4’ll", my dad KNEW she’d kick his ass, threw it in the yard…

Later that night, ma put some shaving cream around his mouth. Wakes me, begs me to follow, shows me pa, hands me the shot gun and says, “Remember Old Yeller the other nigh? You know what you have to do!”
 
Back in the days when vacuums were canisters, with a long steal tube to which we attached… Well, attachments… A buddy dropped by with a garbage bag of home-grown weed. Michigan weed! We don't get no buds in Michigan. Just leaves. Grabbed the vacuum, dragged it into the bathroom, placed a towel under the door and stuffed some foil into the tube, (We’re talking close to 2 1/2” in diameter) poked some holes in it with a needle and filled her up.

Turned on the vacuum, lit the weed, and just sat there for hours, bull shitting. Eyes stinging from the smoke. I got higher from the Anacin I took to kill the headache.

Next day the wife took the vacuum to the carpets. BOY did I get in trouble!

Speaking of ferigners: There was a football game. I "think" it was between the San Fransisco 49'rs and the New England Patriots. I KNOW the Patriots where involved because...

My friends wife asked how New England could be part of the "National football league." ??? Have you ever heard of Paul Revere, the Boston tea party or the Liberty bell? I bet ferigners know more about New England than you!
 
Okay, I was an old man already, but this shit cracks me up.

The wife and I were on one of those old fart’s bowling leagues. Monday Morning Madness!

Feller on an apposing team (thankfully) LOVED his Bloody Mary’s. So do I, but I don’t make mine until 4:56 pm on the dot. Takes me four minutes to make it.

Anyway, this dude would have 1/2 dozen in the first 90 minutes of the game. His team started out doing great!

One day I asked the bartender to make his next one without Vodka. He came back with his fresh cocktail, took a long pull, said, “AHHH”.

I asked him how he liked it. Says, “great, why?”

I said, “because it’s a virgin.”

Loud and clear! “I’ve never had a virgin in my life!”

That end of the alley got real quiet. Then I said, “Well at your age, that’s the closest your going to get.”
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
Okay, I was an old man already, but this shit cracks me up.

The wife and I were on one of those old fart’s bowling leagues. Monday Morning Madness!

Feller on an apposing team (thankfully) LOVED his Bloody Mary’s. So do I, but I don’t make mine until 4:56 pm on the dot. Takes me four minutes to make it.

Anyway, this dude would have 1/2 dozen in the first 90 minutes of the game. His team started out doing great!

One day I asked the bartender to make his next one without Vodka. He came back with his fresh cocktail, took a long pull, said, “AHHH”.

I asked him how he liked it. Says, “great, why?”

I said, “because it’s a virgin.”

Loud and clear! “I’ve never had a virgin in my life!”

That end of the alley got real quiet. Then I said, “Well at your age, that’s the closest your going to get.”
Click to expand...

🤣 Oh Jaysus, that’s priceless! You had the whole alley hanging on the punchline and then dropped it like a strike. Fair play to you.

I’ll tell ya though, if I’d been there I’d have probably choked on me drink laughing — though in fairness, I wouldn’t be touching a Bloody Mary that early in the day. I’d need a gallon of coffee first.

And as for your mate… well, at least he can say he’s consistent. Shame he can’t say the same about his bowling after 6 of those “virgins.” 😉
 
MisterSadister said:
This is not vape related, but I do enjoy your stories.
Click to expand...

8-) "Nothing to do with vaping." Just a place for old men to sit on my porch "sipping" scotch with friends and swapping stories.

Come join me on my porch and tell ME some stories.

We need stories we can latch on to and reply to, to spark a memory.
 
FIRST DAY, too. If I recall, the first hour!

Guess I should have payed closer attention in chemistry class.

Worked at an Irish Pub and grille. Boss told me to go to the basement and clean the floor.

What a sticky mess! How the hell am I supposed to clean that? Looked around and found a push broom... Ha! Ammonia and bleach! Pour some on the floor, started scrubbing the floor, and that's when I got canned.
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
vacuums were canisters,
Click to expand...
??? I have canisters that hold my sugar and tea. They're made of metal. I have plastic canisters to hold the film from my ancient camera, but as far as I know a canister is typically a canister with a lid.

You're saying you had a canister with a lid, with some kind of metal hose attached, to suck dirt into a canister with a lid?! Is that the epitome of redundant, or what?

Lemme see if I understand this. You filled a canister with with a lid, with dirt that was sucked into the canister with a lid. I'm assuming you opened the canister with a lid filled with dirt , and emptied that into a canister with a lid, right?

I'm no genius, but it seems like a lot of the dirt from the canister with a lid would fall on the floor around the canister with a lid! Did you suck that back into the canister with a lid, empty that into a canister with a lid, less what did make it into the canister with a lid?

Assuming half of the dirt from the canister with a lid made into the canister with a lid, and the other half landed on the floor around the canister with a lid, how many times did you have to empty the canister with a lid, into the canister with a lid?

Have you ever heard of a broom? Hello! They make push brooms, pull brooms and my favorite, a dust MOP. Make a pile of dirt with the dust MOP, use a pull broom to pull it into a dust PAN, put that INTO the container with a lid and spill nothing around the canister with a lid! Hello! Are you paying attention?!

And lemme guess. You took the canister with a lid, outside to a 500 liter canister with a lid, and if it was already full you emptied the canister with a lid on TOP of the crap that's already in the canister with a lid and half of it fell on the ground around the canister with a lid!

Did you go get the push broom and dust pan? NOOO! You let the breeze blow this crap from the canisters with lids into your neighbors lawn.

Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!!!??? Lazy prick.
 
This is one story my wife wishes SHE could forget.

Mid to late 90's. We were having our yearly, what I dubbed, geek conference. Flew all the managers of the company's holdings in to get an update. Since we all already knew what was going on, and business's didn't care about another's, we drank a lot and ate lobster at the companies expense.

This particular year everyone wanted an update from ME. CIO at the home office, we had a remote access server. (RAS) Use a dial-up modem to connect to the server to access files and work from anywhere. Wasn't working worth a shit. Sometimes you could connect, others, not so much. MOST times, right when you were in the middle of downloading a big file, (All files are big at 2,880 baud) the pos would hang up.

This had been going on for over a month. MY boss was the president and CEO. "We're losing a hell of a lot of money every day!"

We had all been collaborating on this issue because it effected every business this company owned. I insisted it was the phone company, but they said they ran diagnostics and everything was fine. Incidentally, the phone company, AT&T, found the line was not buried in a conduit and had eroded some insulation, exposing wires. Seriously? In Michigan, where the winter spends most of its time below freezing?

So we're all talking about it, bitching about the RAS server... Someone asked my wife if she knew what a RAS server is. She pondered a bit, then said, random access server?

You know even I busted out LOL! We all gave her a big salute, clinked glasses, crying BINGO. On the way home, she said she'd never been so embarrassed in her life. Why, you nailed it! I told her I was going to have a chat with the ass-hole that asked!

I did too. Told him he's lucky she didn't ask him how many ways she could cause an aneurysm without a coroner figuring it out.
 
Pauly Walnuts said:
MisterSadister said:
This is not vape related, but I do enjoy your stories.
Click to expand...

8-) "Nothing to do with vaping." Just a place for old men to sit on my porch "sipping" scotch with friends and swapping stories.

Come join me on my porch and tell ME some stories.

We need stories we can latch on to and reply to, to spark a memory.
Click to expand...

You don't want to hear my stories.
 
Hey, Pauly, thanks for inviting me over to sip Scotch and swap stories. I got one for you and I think you'll appreciate it.

My wife Mildred and I began to notice that we were getting increasingly forgetful in our old age. We thought it might be a good idea to discuss the problem with our doctor.

The doctor reassured us that this was quite a common experience for people as they got older, and he suggested that we should start writing things down to help us remember.

When we got home, Mildred asked me to get her a bowl of ice cream.

“Should I write that down for you?” she said.

“No, Mildred. I’m sure I’ll remember a bowl of ice cream.”

“OK, but I want some whipped cream with my ice cream, too. Should I write that down?”

“No,” I’ll remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.“

“I’d love a cherry on top too,” she said. “Should I write that down?”

“No, I got it you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So, I went into the kitchen to get the ice cream, and returned about 40 minutes later, then handed her a plate of eggs and bacon.

She stares at the plate momentarily, and then she looked at me thoroughly confused.

“Where’s the toast?” she asked.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top