What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

At church last week, the pews were full, standing room only. As we awaited our sermon to begin, the devil appeared. The church empties as patrons trample on each other in their desperation to escape.

I sat in the front row, reading my bible. The devil approached and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Nope."

The devil got pissed and roared, "Why the hell, not?!"

I said, "Dude, I've been married to your sister for 60 years."
 
Yes, this IS a joke!

We're preparing our house before putting it up for sale. Little repairing of the privacy fence, some painting, new cover for the patio... Bunch of little jobs.

Getting quotes from Homeadvisor.com and Yelp, and a company called Handyman Connection got back to me. Because they're an hour away, they asked for photos rather than an on-site visit. Now, I'm not doing business with anyone that thinks they're doing a job without seeing the place, but like my daddy always told me, "Entertainment at another's expense is a great value."

They sent an incredibly low-ball quote, with the following disclaimer attached.

THE CUSTOMER HEREBY AGREES TO RELEASE FROM ANY DAMAGES OR CLAIMS DAMAGES OF EVERY KIND OR NATURE, OF HANDYMAN CONNECTONS.

THE CUSTOMER FURTHER AGREES TO RELEASE AND NOT TO HOLD HANDYMAN CONNECTION LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGE, SUITS, CLAIMS, AND/OR CONTROVERSIES, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION ANY LIABILITIES ARISING IN CONNECTION WITH THE CONDUCT, ACT OR OMISSION OF ANY CRAFTSPERSON (INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION STALKING, HARASSMENT THAT IS SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE, ACTS OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE, OR DESTRUCTION OF PERSONAL PROPERTY), ANY DISPUTE WITH ANY CRAFTSPERSON, ANY DESTRUCTION OF THE CUSTOMER’S INFORMATION, OR ANY INSTRUCTION, ADVICE, ACT, OR SERVICE PROVIDED BY HANDYMAN CONNECTION OR ITS OFFICERS, OWNERS, AFFILIATES OR LICENSORS.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL HANDYMAN CONNECTION, BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, SPECIAL OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES ARISING IN CONNECTION WITH THE WORK PERFORMED.

IF, NOTWITHSTANDING THE FOREGOING EXCLUSIONS, IT IS DETERMINED THAT HANDYMAN CONNECTION, IS LIABLE FOR DAMAGES, IN NO EVENT WILL THE AGGREGATE LIABILITY, WHETHER ARISING IN CONTRACT, TORT, STRICT LIABILITY OR OTHERWISE, EXCEED THE TOTAL FEES PAID BY YOU TO HANDYMAN CONNECTION

Who wrote that? Some 10th grader with delusions of being a lawyer?

SPECIAL OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES? I know the word can be used to describe a punishment, while generally describing someone's behavior as a positive. I do NOT understand its use here. Even if I were dumb enough to do business without meeting a person, but does NO ONE read anymore? Does no one comprehend what they read?
 
Do you know why married woman are fatter than single woman?

Single woman come home. open the fridge and go to bed.

Married woman come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
 
Uh oh, I hear a wife rant coming on.

The reason married woman live happier lives is because most of them don’t have wives.

You know the difference between a penis and a bonus? You wife will always blow your bonus.

My wife has been missing for a week. The police told me to expect the worse, so I’m afraid she might come back.
 
Old Goat said:
A nun scrambles out of bed, realizing she has terribly overslept, hurries to dress herself, scurries to the corridor, and makes her way to see Mother Superior, with whom she has an appointment.

She passes another Sister who says, “Oh dear! You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

She gets the same exact greeting from at least 10 other Sisters, as she is practically running down the corridor to her meeting.

Livid from all the other Sister’s remarks and breathless from the hurried trip down the corridor, she enters Mother Superior’s chambers.

Mother Superior stands there, silently, looking the Sister up and down, breathes a long sigh, and curiously shakes her head. Just as Mother Superior is about to speak, the Sister reacts by practically shouting, “Don’t YOU tell me I look like I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

Mother Superior says, “No. That wasn’t what I was going to say. I was just going to ask… Why are you wearing the Bishop’s shoes?”
Click to expand...
What shoes is the Bishop wearing?
 
Ask EVERY mom and dad that looks like they probably have a child in high school...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the high school? They'll say, no, which school? Make one up. When? Just after lunch. Did they find him?

Of course. He wasn't hard to find, the whole damn school could hear him snoring!
 
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother, and says, “Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

“Just don’t tell Dad,” she says.

Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: “Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100. “Don’t tell Mom” he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. “I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says, “Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
 
Let me preface this with the fact that my next-door neighbor is a California Highway Patrol Officer. (CHP)

My friend Little Johnny was going on a business trip for 3 weeks and was worried about keeping his wife, Little Suzy occupied. Why, you ask? Little Suzy was a HOT young thing! And their neighbor was a pool boy that Little Suzy had no inhibitions in declaring HIM hot!

Little Johnny knew Little Suzy loved him, but love is one thing and lust is another. Love makes a woman make dinner. Lust makes a woman wet!

Little Johnny's thinking on it, praying on it, then remembers that new Penthouse Hollywood shop on McHenry in Modesto. BINGO! With little time to spare he heads over and speaks to the proprietor to whom he describes his conundrum.

The proprietor declares he has just the thing. He pulls what looked like a shoe box from under the counter and tells Little Johnny it’s a magic penis and takes off the lid. Little Johnny says, “WTF, it’s just a regular fucking dildo!”

The proprietor says, “Ah, but watch this!” and says, “Magic Penis, DOOR!” The penis hops into the keyhole of a door and starts pounding it so hard a crack develops down the center. Then the proprietor says, “don’t forget to say, magic penis, BOX when she’s done.” And it hoped back in the box and the lid even closed.

Little Johnny bought it. He took it home, showed it to Little Suzy, told her about it and went on his trip, confident that she’d not touch the pool boy.

A few days later, Little Suzy is on the porch smoking a joint when the pool boy comes out to do some yard work. It’s HOT so he’s wearing nothing but swim shorts. Sweating, muscles rippling and glistening, she’s getting WET! She remembers the magic penis. Grabs the box, pulls the couch up to the bay window so she could see his every move, pulls her skirt and panties off and barley gurgles, “Magic Penis, Pussy.” She’s praying. “I need only a few seconds, I’m so Horny.”

A few seconds later an overwhelming orgasm crashed over her. Little Johnny NEVER made her cum! She always had to finish the job herself, you know? But never like that!

Then she has another one. Totally indescribable. Yes, YES, OH, YES!!! She’s so into it she forgot about the pool boy. He’s got his nose to the window and yanking on Elmer P. Pudmucker. Then she has a third one. If the last one can’t be described I’m not even going to try to describe this one.

Now she’s exhausted and tries to pull it out, but she can’t. Little Johnny forgot to tell her how to get it to go back into the box. She put her skirt on and bounces to the beat of the magic penis to her car. She heads down the highway toward the nearest hospital when she has another. Good god, they just get more and more intense!

She’s weaving from one side of the road to the other, almost going into the ditches, when CHP pulls her over. He asks how much she’s had to drink and tells him “None, it’s this magic penis in my pussy that won’t stop pounding me.”

Not believing her, the cop says, “Yeah, right, magic penis my ass!”

Told that to my neighbor and he’s laughing his ass off. Then, completely out of nowhere, I thought out loud, “Hey, that’s right up your alley!”

It’s been a peaceful two months.
 
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